Secrets

When I was younger, I had several rounds of therapy to straighten out my head (though not in a pray away the gay way; we don’t go for that where I’m from). One of my therapists said something that really stuck with me, even though at the time I thought he was wasting my time.

He told me a story that he’d read about a boy who broke a younger child’s toy, and then pretended that it wasn’t him. When he went to bed that night, and the following nights, he was terrified that a monster was going to eat him. He couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly scared of monsters, until his imaginary friend suggested it had something to do with the toy that he’d broken. He went to confess, everyone forgave him and all was right in the world!

The reason why he told me was that I was terrified something was going to eat me in the middle of the night, and he thought it might have something to do with me not being completely honest with people in my life. I thought it was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard in my life at the time, but over the years it has seemed many a time like there actually is something to it. I’m hiding something rather large at the moment from some people in my life, and sure enough, I am once again terrified. Not as bad now that I’ve decided that I will tell them, but it’s still marked enough that I’m inclined to believe I’ll feel a lot better once I’ve unburdened myself.

Honesty is the best policy, and a good night’s sleep is impossible when there’s a witch hiding in your bathroom. –Ancient proverb

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breath of fresh air

I feel like ever since I got back from New Zealand I have a new purpose in life, and new direction. I reckon I was pretty depressed before I left, and I didn’t even know it! I just thought I was being my normal, hateful self, and I didn’t realise that I’d crossed the line into something that was hurting myself rather than just being fed up with people. Then, when I came back and I felt like everything was so much lighter and so much less stagnant, I realised that compared to before, there was a huge difference (still hate most people though).

Now, I feel like I want to make the most of my life, and I want to set some actual, realisable goals to get there, rather than just going out into the world and hoping for the best. I do have a tendency to float along rather than grabbing life by the throat and squeezing the breath out of it. It’s not the worst thing you can do, but it’s probably not going to bring you anywhere fun, either!

My first goal is to pass the Intermediate 1 hoops course I wasn’t able to pass last time (too weak and noodle-y!), and to do that, I will 1. take the course again rather than just going to individual practice time and hoping I’ll get there, and 2. join a gym so I am able to focus more properly on the muscle groups I need, rather than trying to do something I can’t physically do yet and getting frustrated and giving up.

Easy peasy!